Faith Was Never Meant to Be Private: Small Steps Out of a Lonely Faith

More than half of American Christians say their spiritual life is entirely private. Those who do report less growth, and research links shared faith with lower risk of deaths from despair. Here is how to take the first small, unscary step.

The short answer: More than half of American Christians keep their faith entirely private, and they report less spiritual growth. Large Harvard studies link shared faith and regular worship with a lower risk of deaths from despair. You can start small, with one shared prayer, one shared meal or one honest conversation.

The quiet Christian

Maybe you love God, read your Bible, pray in the car, and go to church most Sundays. But no one really knows what is going on in your soul. When someone asks how you are, you say "fine." You are surrounded by people and still walking alone.

You are in good company, and that is part of the problem. In a Barna study of more than 2,500 US Christians, 56% said their spiritual life is entirely private. Among Baby Boomers, the number was 63%. Gen Z, interestingly, was the least private generation, and twice as likely as Boomers to belong to a group that grows in faith together.

Why so many of us keep faith to ourselves

Private faith usually is not a choice we make on purpose. It grows out of real reasons.

• Fear of being judged if people knew our doubts, sins or struggles.
• Past hurt from a church or Christian friend. If that is you, read our guide to healing from church hurt.
• Busyness. Sunday morning is easy to schedule. Real friendship takes more time.
• Culture. Many of us were raised to believe that faith, like money, is not polite conversation.

What Scripture says

The Bible almost never imagines faith as a solo project. The first church met in homes, "breaking bread from house to house" and eating "with gladness and singleness of heart" (Acts 2:46, KJV). Believers are told to confess their faults to one another and pray for one another "that ye may be healed" (James 5:16). And they are urged not to give up meeting together, but to encourage one another (Hebrews 10:24 to 25).

What the research shows

Harvard researchers followed more than 66,000 women and 43,000 men who work in health care for many years. After accounting for many other factors, women who attended religious services at least weekly had a 68% lower risk of dying from suicide, drug overdose or alcohol, compared with women who never attended. For men, the risk was 33% lower.

Loneliness itself is a health risk. We cover what it does to the body in Lonely in a Crowd, and the broader research on worship and health in Is Church Good for Your Health?.

Small steps, from easiest to boldest

You do not need to bare your soul to a room full of strangers. Start with the smallest step you can actually take this week.

What to look for in a small group

Frequently asked questions

I am an introvert. Do I have to join a big group?

No. Shared faith can mean one friend you pray with each week. Scripture's picture of community includes two or three gathered together (Matthew 18:20).

Does online church count?

Online services can be a lifeline, especially for people who are sick, homebound or healing from hurt. But try to pair them with at least one in person relationship where someone knows you by name.

What if I have been hurt by Christians before?

That is a real and common reason for private faith. Go slowly, start with one safe person, and read our guide to healing from church hurt.

Is keeping my faith private wrong?

Some parts of faith are meant to be private, like praying in your secret place (Matthew 6:6). The concern is when no one at all walks with you. Faith grows best when it is both private and shared.